Election Speech

As none of my competitors are likily to see this, here is the full and current format of my speech for class president. Gone is the slang, after being deemed innappropriate (for its potential to have multiple subliminal and misconstruable meanings).

Hello, my friends and acquaintances! You have all clearly come, bribed by the prospect of missing class, to celebrate this grand democratic tradition by electing your leader for the next year. Indeed this is the role that I hope to acquire through your wise selection of a sophomore class president.
First of all, let me direct your attention to the past 6 or 7 months, in which we have braved the slashing of 24 days of our school year and the destruction of our sports programs; a tragic time indeed. For those of you unaware, I have appeared in print in the Oregonian and on radio multiple times vouching for the end of these abominable absurdities somehow. Obviously the role of a student leader is not specifically to run around dictating the way budgets are to be made, but, as you can see, I am willing to go out to any limb to preserve the will of the populous.
Now, on to matters of more immediate importance to you, such as dances or the sanitation—or more accurately, lack of sanitation thereof—of the school's bathrooms. Bathroom sanitation, is, well... very important to me. However, it does not take someone of intelligence to know that all most of you really care about are dances. I shall not lie: my reputation does not include the title of "party junkie," or even really "party goer." Nevertheless, I can tell you that our dances are in need of some kind of revitalization, for two reasons: 1) So they are not banned outright by the administration, and 2) So that more people can be attracted to them, thus increasing the amount of cash flowing into the school's bleak coffers. This additional money could manifest itself in a number of ways: maybe one more computer in the library, or maybe just a bathroom or two that is a little bit cleaner.
And so, although I may be crushing your need for entertainment by doing so, I must declare the end to this speech.