"Fastest is not always the Best"

This is an unauthorized reproduction of what my English teacher deems to be the worst essay (if it even deems the respect of that title) anyone has ever dared to turn in. The brief work was composed in the duration of a lunch period: approximately 35 minutes. It is an imaginative short—very, very short, in fact—story. As you will perhaps feel, this tripe is so bad... that... it’s almost good. In the spirit of the original, all misspellings and grammatical irregularities are preserved, and the discretion to interpret their intended meanings is left in the hands of the reader. Cheers.

“Gray woke up and rubbed his eyes. He was tall and didn’t like to get up early. But, he had school and there was no choice but to face the day. So, he lifted his three hundred pound frame fomr the mattress and prepared to face the day.

Gary’s breath was terrible. “Must have been the Slim-Jims with mustard I ate last night before bed”, he thought. “Oh well, I guess I’ll brush my teeth,” he said to no on in particular.

Gray got dressed. He liked to wear bright clothes. Today, he chose bright orange and bright blue. He looked in the mirror and thought, “Damn, I look so good.” He couldn’t wait to get to school and show off his pimping good looks.

Fortunly for him, Gray had a great car. His dad was sort of wealthy, as he owned the local sponge store. When Gray turned sixteen, his dad, the Sponge King, bought him a cherry red convertible Corbette. “I am one hot sponge kid,” thought Gray.

Gray pulled into the parking lot of his school. As usual, there were lots of kids fighting for available spots. Gray didn’t mind waiting. His first class of the day was the worst. English.

Finally though, old Gray found a spot and pulled his killer car into it. Missy, a tall, hot, brunette saw him pull in and said, “Gray, you’re going to be late.” He knew that what she meant was that she was hot for him. All the ladies were. Even if they didn’t say so, he knew it. He had that kind of effect on the women. At least, he was pretty sure of it. He had never actually been on any kind of a “date”.

Gray walked into his English class like a minute late. “Gray, you are like a minute late”, said his English teacher Mr. Major. “I know Mr. Major, but I couldn’t find a spot.” “Oh well,” said Mr. Major. “I guess you’ll get detention.” “Yah, I guess so.”

During class all Gray could think about was getting back into his killer car. He loved to drive it. When the bell rang he said screw it and skipped the rest of the day. He got to his car and just drove. He went as far as he could in that car. “God, I love to drive.” He said this out loud, not caring if anyone heard him in the cars next to him.

Well, unfortunately, next to him in the next car was a guy in a really fast Porshe. The guy said, “Hey, you think you’re car is all that?” “Yes I do” said Gray. “Well, I am positive I could kick your butt in my Porshe” said the guy. “All right,” said Gray. “Lets get it on.” Sadly, Gray was a little too fast for his own good. They crashed together going like 76 miles an hour. Gray died going to the hospital. It was a sad day for the Spong King when he got the news.”