Fine! Fine! FINE!!
I acquiesce. I'm once again on the cusp of getting DSL service, but I can't order it online for some reason, and their support is only open during business hours, so I can't call them personally. Recent developments give me renewed hope.
I've decided that I'm going to attempt getting a free iPod from freeipods.com. It may seem like a scam, but Jon did it and had no problems. Basically, you just need to complete one of their "offers" (things like free trials to various internet services), and get 5 other people to do so. So if you want to help, let me know. The best offer available is one for InFone, in which you sign up to get 5 free calls to their service. You are charged on a per call basis, so if you never use the service, you never get charged. But the best part is that you receive a $10 gift certificate to amazon.com for doing it. So if you want to help me out and get a $10 gift certificate to amazon.com, then let me know. The business model of the site essentially requires that they make more money on kickbacks from the services that people sign up for and decide to continue with, than the iPod itself actually costs. I don't have much faith in that, so I'd better hurry up and get my 5 people.
I've become so incensed with the speed of my computer (it's too slow to run iTunes, which will be a problem if and when I get an iPod), that I'm going to build a new one. The new version of Windows Media Player consumes so much CPU that when I listen to music, the typing response speed drops by a factor of 5 or so. I don't need that much performance, so I reckon I can do it for about $200-$300 if I cannibalize some parts from my current computer (CD drive, sound card...). AMD is replacing most of their AthlonXP line with the new Sempron line of processors (the Sempron uses virtually the same architecture as the AthlonXP, from what I can tell), so AthlonXPs are now pretty cheap. Pricewatch lists an Athlon 2400 (1.93 GHz) motherboard-CPU combo for $87. The bus speeds seem a bit slow; something on the order of 500 MHz would be nice, but I'm willing to compromise. I've got to do a little bit more research too. My monitor is dying too, so I'll need to get another one of those. A 19-inch LCD should do the trick. I figure that it's worth getting a nice one, so I can use it with a laptop when I go to college. If anyone has any parts to donate to my cause of building the absolute cheapest acceptable computer, let me know also.
These are the general specs of what I'd like to build:
Processor: 1.8-2.4 GHz (preferably having a motherboard with a bus > 500 MHz)
Hard Drive: 80.0 GB (preferably > 7200 RPM), plus my current 40.0 GB and 6 GB drives
RAM: 512 MB
Video Card: I definately need to learn more abou video cards
Sound Card: cannibalize
Optical Drive: DVD-ROM plus my current CD-RW, or a DVD-RW
All and all, it's a pretty middle of the road machine that should come in somewhere between $200-$300. I'll probably dual boot linux and windows. Windows can go on the 80 GB drive, Linux on the 40 GB one, and the 6 GB one can be for windows backups. Once I get DSL hooked up, my email will be liberated from windows, allowing me to make more use of linux. Probably I'll just go with Fedora Core 3 when it comes out, as lame as that is.
So that's the plan. I'm sick of being bogged down in molassas, so it's a general roadmap for the acceleration of all aspects of my computing experience.

i will help you get a free ipod if you help me.
but don't you need a credit card? i heard you did. But if not consider me a helper.