"I Wish I Had a Witness!"

Alan Ruffini, a resident of our house, arrived in Chicago about one month before Orientation Week began. He stayed with his brother who works as an actuary in the city. One night, he was watching a public access channel late into the night, and came upon the show of a certain bible teacher. The show conveniently advertised free sample videos of the teacher's work, so naturally, Alan called the man talked for about a half hour. Weeks later, he received approximately 6 hours of glorious, priceless, astounding footage.

"Dennis Hodges, Bible Teacher," as the video flashes on the screen every twenty seconds, is a man with a deft command of rhetoric... but not just any rhetoric. We've all heard the stereotypical fire and brimstone sermon, but Mr. Hodges takes all of this to a profoundly new level. Indeed, he seems to apply the tone and anger of a drill sergent to his "lessons," often emphasizing seemingly incoherent phrases like "separated from, separated to!!!!" by screaming, pounding objects, and jumping. Forget the fact that "to" seems to be an improper preposition to attach to the participle "separated." It means something now.

As with all respected religious figures in this era, Mr. Hodges does not just limit his exposition to religion. Politics, race, and even economics are exposed to his analytical lense. Although, to be frank, his "lense" is more like a magnifying glass positioned strategically over an ant on a hot summer day. Despite the fact that he African American, his first target was the entire African American population. I won't repeat what he said, although he did scream that Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks, et al. did "nothing" for him. Anyone economically successful took quite a beating as well. Even Harvard University was relegated to the trash heap for allegedly "starting World War I."

You can probably guess that Mr. Hodges has quickly become the staple of our entertainment on homework-free nights. We still have two more hours of footage to watch. People were dreading the day when we would run out of Hodges' video to amuse ourselves. That is, we were dreading it until we realized that Hodges' very own congregation "Narrow Hodos" is located just south of Hyde Park, on 79th Street. Although a fourth-year politely pointed out that we might die if we go to 79th Street, it is our mission. Several people have called and talked to the man himself, and he seemed very receptive to having university students at his congregation. So, considering that risk-aversion typically reaches a lifelong low between the ages of 16 and 20, and considering the astronomical returns from witnessing this man in reality, the expected value of utility from going to the Narrow Hodos is overwhelming positive. I wish I had a witness.

Correction: The name is Rodges, not Hodges. It was late and I was consequently incoherent.